The Way to Yourself
(Entry below was written by hand on 1/7/06 at 12:55am)
“The way to find your true self is by recklessness and freedom.”
I love that quote. It gives you permission to go a little crazy every now and then. Everyone needs that I think, especially stuffy, uptight people like me. It reminds me of a fortunate cookie fortune I once read and kept that said something like “Don’t play for safety, it’s the most dangerous thing of all.” I still have that fortune in the photo slip plastic in my wallet.
I struggle to write and part of the reason might be my insistence on these slow ballpoint pens. But I bought a big stack of them and now I feel guilty if they don’t get used. Another reason may be this journal I write in. The current pages have such light-colored lines that I can barely see them and barely write straight. And the other big thing is my lack of a real writing space- and fatigue. I’m so tired and need sleep. But I struggle to sleep too. And desperately I long to write.
That desire won’t leave me alone. It just takes over me and I find myself composing journal entries that I should be writing, just as my head has hit the pillow and my eyes have closed and I should be focusing on trying to sleep. Can’t seem to lose consciousness lately. Feeling this urgent need to stay awake, take advantage of any small amount of free time and use it to nourish my spirit, to find a way back to myself.
I remember stopping by at a restaurant/deli type of place one morning, ordering a hot chocolate and sitting down to write about a dream I had the night before. I decided I would be late for work, and gave myself the time and space just for writing. And it felt so wonderful, so comforting and true. In those days I didn’t have to punch in, so I could just make up some believable excuse to be late if I wanted to. I also didn’t have half as much work as I do now.
Writing, meditation, music, movies, books about writing- these will have to be my pleasures for now. And how I treasure those pleasures. But it’s so hard to find time after cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, dish washing, working. I am just tired and it’s really difficult. I don’t want to be in the hell of living someone else’s life. This drive to write is something that can’t be ignored and is just a part of me. I need to have my thoughts and observations expressed through the written word. But I am so sleepy as I write this, and I don’t want to sleep.
It’s hard to find the balance between writing and making time for life and friends and family. One almost always suffers from too much focus on the other two. I can’t seem to figure it out. Time for sleep, I hope I’ll have more time to write soon in the near future.
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