The Inner Heretic

I read the following quote on this blog-

This week, I want you to embrace your inner heretic. Do something that riles others up because you are performing outside the norm. See what happens, because these days, the world loves heretics. Get outside of your typical self, and be the better self you dream of being.

It really got me thinking. I thought about all these bloggers I read about every day who are out there really living their lives and trying to help others lead richer lives as well. They make readers aware that a non-typical lifestyle is normal and that wherever you are in life, it’s never too late to scrap things and start over. I really admire them. They are using their time by exercising, eating healthy diets, writing e-books, traveling, and opening many people’s eyes to a whole new way of life.

Instead of wasting their lives away watching television or browsing online, they are really using their talents and being ambitious, living each day to it’s fullest. I started to wonder about myself. I know I have things and beliefs limiting me, and that my major flaw is giving up too easily when things get difficult. But I also started to wonder, is the big aim of my life to be as comfortable as I can? Is it time to really challenge myself and change my life somehow?

Nina Yau, the author of the blog ‘Castles in the Air’ quit her day job to pursue writing and art. I started to think about this and I thought, what would I do without my health insurance which allows me to get affordable birth control and yearly check ups?  Not having birth control would really be a big deal for me. In this country, I think a big draw to staying employed in a 9-5 corporate job is health benefits.  There really should be more motivation than that.

I don’t know if I’d be better off worrying about the future and thinking about the big picture, or taking things day by day and trying not to stress myself out too much. My biggest fear is getting to the end of my life, or becoming old and realizing that I am living with tons of regrets for things I never did, because I would over complicate stuff. Because I would never live in and enjoy the present moment.

I really want to travel, to see a lot of the world while I am here, and I have to try to structure my life to accommodate that. It stirs up the big questions like, what would I do if I only had 6 months to live? What would I do with my day? I read an interview recently with Nina Yau in which she says that her goal is “To never regret a single day of my life.” And that’s really what it comes down to.

Sometimes I sit and work and wonder: Is this what I really want to be remembered for? Isn’t there more that I could be doing with my gifts and talents to help others? Helping others brings way more happiness than working at a job you hate. That’s why I know that I would volunteer if I didn’t have to work for a living. You need to find fulfillment and satisfaction somewhere. And sometimes, doing so on a small scale just doesn’t work anymore.

I know I can get bored and long for new and stimulating experiences, just like anyone else, but how many of us actually pick ourselves up and do something about it? It’s a nagging question that haunts me, even as I tell myself I’m simply happy and grateful for the little things, like music, or food, or getting out of work early, or having my own apartment, or reading a good book, or having quiet time in solitude. There still is something more, something bigger, an urge to leave a mark on the world, and the constant urge to make each day count. To make it matter that I was even here at all.


November 25, 2012. Tags: , , . writing.

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