Follow your Bliss
(Entry below handwritten on 1/25/2005)
What a weird, strange, great day. It didn’t start out too well, I got up, upset about having to go out in the subzero temperatures and having to dress in layers, but at the same time grateful for having work to go to after having been homebound by the snow all weekend.
At work, I started to actually panic about where my life was heading. I was afraid of being stuck in the same boring job all my life and was almost at the point of going to the bathroom and crying. But then I went to lunch. Trying to walk through the snowy slush without falling was a challenge, but for some reason I felt that I was seeing the world through new eyes. I felt like a newborn child. On the way back from the bookstore I passed this girl on the street, talking on her cell phone. She was very pale, had dark hair and wore black lipstick and heavy black eye makeup. She stood in such stark contrast to all the white snow on the ground and I had to smile to myself when she smiled and her teeth shone white beneath the black lipstick.
There was a woman trying to carefully cross the slushy street without falling and she was smiling softly to herself-amused by the silliness of it all. She had long dreadlocks coming down in front of her tan-colored coat. She seemed so happy and serene. I got back to my desk, chose to play some Blondie music on the windows media player and suddenly I felt really uplifted. It’s like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders- and I was free. I felt like love.
And all these good and loving feelings just flooded my heart. I smiled to myself and felt as if I were floating on air. I have no idea what brought it on. There was nothing happening in my workday at that particular moment, but for some reason I felt strangely, deliriously happy. And it was great. I felt literal warmth and contentment in my heart and I felt that I could do anything.
I had a sort of epiphany. And it was that anything in life can be changed around. I am not stuck. I can free myself if I so choose. If I lose my fear and get out of my own way. I can do anything. I was realizing that life is too short for fear. Life was meant to be lived. Fully. In the moment. And what if I told myself I really could get anything and anyone that I want? Why couldn’t walk into a place alone and make new friends? Who says that good things aren’t going to happen?
In those moments, everything was right and I felt I was going to be ok. It was like a blessing bestowed upon me. And I felt that God would help me through it. I wanted to share that feeling with my loved ones. I wanted all of them to have new eyes like me, and to really see. And to wonder, to appreciate, to empathize. I had the general feeling that my life and the world is full of possibilities. And I could do anything if I really wanted to.
If I wanted to sign up for guitar or piano lessons next week, I could do it and become a more well-rounded person. No one would stop me. If I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in arts administration, I could still do it if I had enough money. And if I really wanted to, I could get a part-time job to earn enough money to go back to school. It’s all really limitless and I chose to finally see it that way.
Why should I be afraid? There really is no reason. I could make my life better and don’t have to stay stuck in a rut or unhappy. It’s all transitory, and if I care a little more, maybe I really could have a group of friends. If I go after the things I love and the things that make me feel truly alive- then I can find happiness. I just pray that I keep this mindset. I want to be positive and happy and hopeful. I know I can be and I don’t want those warm, nurturing feelings to ever leave my heart.
When I had that sudden rush of well-being and contentment, all I could think was: maybe this means something good is happening right now, or that someone is blessing me or that something really good is going to happen to me soon. I can only wait and see, and work on building on these wonderful, life-affirming feelings. I thought about possibly volunteering and helping others selflessly. And being kind and how good that makes me feel. I thought about how I want to get up early on Saturdays and Sundays from now on and go out to explore the world and do the things I always dreamt about. To live, to connect to others instead of sleeping my life away.
I want to break my routine, maybe start exercising regularly, waking up early. Just letting the negativity and fear go, and going out to experience life, which is every day and every moment unique and precious. You never know what you’ll find if you just dare to venture out. You never know what you can do until you try.
“I’m floating into this inescapable bliss..”
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