(Entry below is an excerpt from an entry that was handwritten on 12/15/02. It’s sort of all over the place)
When I was in second grade I remember my teacher was teaching a lesson on sin. It was a Catholic school. She drew a big circle on the board that was supposed to represent our soul. She said that when we commit a sin, it’s like a big black mark is put on our soul, like a blotchy stain. She made a heavy mark with chalk inside the circle. She said we couldn’t let our souls become full of these marks because each one separates us more and more from God. So we had to confess and ask for forgiveness so that our souls could be wiped clean.
I remember taking that lesson so literally and thinking of a big black mark being inked on my soul every time I did something bad. By now though, there must not be any white space at all showing through in the circle of my soul because of all the sinning I have done. I feel so far removed from God (by my own fault) and I am even at the point of not feeling worthy of forgiveness. But there are others who sin worse than me all the time, and God forgave the prostitutes and tax collectors alike. As long as they were sorry, they were absolved.
It’s hard to think of God in human terms though, because a human never forgives every single person who has wronged him and humans often resolve things with punishment. We’re taught to think of God affectionately, as Abba (daddy), but then it becomes impossible to think that he will forgive us.
Why am I always so introspective and pondering the bigger issues? When most people are content to just get facials and pedicures or watch stupid movies or become insanely greedy? I think time is the most valuable thing on earth. If you are totally at ease with yourself and you have some free time, I think that must be the closest thing to heaven on earth. But this society and world tell us that we should always be striving for the bigger, better thing and that we should never settle for second best. So people like me forget how to relax, always thinking there’s so many things wrong with them that need to be fixed.
I have not asked for forgiveness in so long that I wonder if God even recognizes that I still have a soul. If only each person could read every other person like a book upon first meeting. And there would be no assumptions, no judgments, just instant understanding and compassion for the basic human being we all are beneath everything.
I never want to become a responsible, stressed adult, if that means I have to give up dreaming.
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