Unsent Love Letter
(Entry below is an unsent letter I wrote to someone I used to work with- handwritten on 12/22/2004)
Your huge, sea blue eyes used to scare me. When I was just starting out and trying to prove my professionalism, you would regard me with those blue eye that were almost too big and not quite human. They were dead-on, calm, unblinking, slightly top-heavy and often they gave you a spacey look in your expression. Like the real you was somewhere far away and you were operating on auto-pilot. You eyes also always seemed to be slightly smiling, like you were up to no good.
Sometimes you smile and stare intently, and it’s almost hypnotic. You call me into your office to talk about business and sometimes I would begin to reply to you and get stuck, your stare would distract me and I’d lose my train of thought. You are one of those people who can really ‘hold’ another person with your gaze, and it is unnerving at times, exhilarating at others.
At the party last night, you walked over to talk to us and stood above me as I looked up at you (from the seat on the couch) as you spoke. You were extra friendly and smiley after having had a few drinks. You were joking around and at ease and I wondered, what would it be like to have a boyfriend like you? Just to call my own? A full-grown, mature, responsibly, successful, professional man, who takes vacations and goes to places like Amsterdam for New Year’s and Venice?
Someone who can take two and a half weeks vacation in Europe and come back to work? I wondered if I’d ever know and my heart became heavy. I despaired. You are so elegant and refined, but striking and lovely. And I sank as she called you away loudly, more than one time, by your first and last names. She’s done that before when you’ve spoken to me.
When you call me into your office and we talk about work and plans for the future, I want to be so professional and make you want to keep seeing me as one of those special people, one of those hard workers that you make sure to speak of highly and “take care of.” And I’m jealous of the fact that I couldn’t get you first. I always seem to come in second place- if I manage to factor in at all.
You smile and squint your eyes at me and talk about professional, business-related things. But I’m always wondering what you’re thinking, and why your office is always so cold.
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