“You must do the thing you think you cannot do”
(Entry below was handwritten on 9/17/2002, but certain themes are re-emerging for me now)
To be alone. Strong and alone. That’s what it’s really all about. Whether or not we’re ok when left to ourselves, when everyone else is gone. Can we be self-sufficient and have enough strength to know we can endure with only our own company? Depending only on ourselves can be liberating and enlightening. No need to search for happiness somewhere else because we already hold the ultimate contentment.
I don’t feel like I am fully OK with myself, not even close. I come very near to hating myself most of the time, for no real, good reason. It’s just a discomfort that ultimately leads me to not have much confidence. A sense of self, that’s what I’m missing. But I think, realistically, in a world of 9 to 5 jobs and familial interference, and even social interference from friends and dates, there is so little (if any) time left for any meaningful self-exploration. How can you possibly get to know yourself when you are constantly being battered with outside distractions demanding your attention?
I read an interview with Debbie Harry (of Blondie), where she said she felt better as she got older because when she was younger, she was missing half of herself. She was not whole like she is now. Maybe I need more time and experience in the world before I can realize myself as ‘good’ in it. Maybe finding my real place takes time, a lot more time than I have lived so far. I don’t know the other half of myself.
I sometimes get sharp or vague flashes of who I really am deep down and who I’m meant to be, but there is a lot of fear and self-doubt sitting on top of my dreams. And it may just take me a few years to cut through all those layers. I want to dance and laugh and talk and live loudly, at least every now and then. To really have fun. Who I really am is buried down so deep that it’s like I can’t find my way out, out from under all my self-criticism, doubt, and a painful, awkward social past.
I want to run and scream, invite and leave myself open to being noticed- instead of running and hiding away in fear like I normally do.
“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
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