Dreams and Reality
(Entry below was written on March 06, 2006)
I had a dream last night that I was supposed to fly out to Portland, Oregon for some reason, around 5pm. I had my luggage with me at the airport, nervous that I was going to fly alone for the first time in my life. There was a group of people also going on the same flight who looked like students, they were young. They were sitting around at the airport at this long table, eating. It looked almost like a cafeteria. I was nervous and anxious about flying and didn’t want to go.
I kept packing extra things in my bag that I had forgotten. I was nervous about time and making it back in time to catch the flight. I kept remembering things I forgot to pack and I knew I was going to be late. I went back to where the other students had been eating and they were gone.
I kept checking the time obsessively, minute by minute. I got back home and started packing again when I realized I didn’t pack pajamas. I gave up at that point feeling disorganized and dumb for having missed my flight. I felt confusion throughout the dream. I was telling someone how I was scared of flying, and had no one to hold on to during take off and landing.
That must be symbolic for something, feeling that I’m running out of time to go somewhere important? Feeling inept and overwhelmed and left behind? Those were the major themes there.
Today was nice. Work was busy and the day went by fast, and I got to wear this pretty new, long, green beaded necklace I bought over the weekend. I went shopping for some badly needed new clothes for work, and it’s funny how new clothes make you feel better. Like a new person almost. It makes it a bit easier to get out of bed in the morning, knowing that you’ll be putting together a new look.
And I wrote another poem today, though it might need just a little bit of revising. It’s interesting to see how my style of poetry writing has changed as I’ve gotten older. I try to break out of my usual patterns in poetry, but that’s just the way I hear the poem spelling itself out in my head.
I did it yet again, I bought another book while having just started that one I mentioned called On a clear day you can see yourself. I was at the bookstore and remembered that I had wanted to buy another volume of the journals of Anais Nin, and I found volume 6 which she wrote from 1955-1966. I had been eyeing that volume for a while and since I finally had extra money, I was able to get it today. It was only $6 but I’m cheap like that.
I read just the first entry and was immediately engrossed. The other volume I read, Volume 4, absorbed me so completely that I had to read more of her diaries. She really has a way with descriptive passages, and weaving her thoughts together. It’s compelling. Now I can’t decide which book to read.
“I wage a constant war against reality”
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