I’m Feeling Small
It’s easy to feel tiny and insignificant in this city (New York). It’s easy to lose your train of thought and hard to be inconspicuous. I look up and realize that it’s a whole world here, and everything keeps moving and you have to keep up or be left behind. I always kept up with everyone else, some people surpassed me, but I never fell behind. It can be tiring
I look up sometimes at the huge buildings and wonder if there is anything else in life for me. There must be many more opportunities for a fuller life that I’m overlooking. Instead, I remain in my lifestyle, doing what I think I should do. Doing what others expect of me, while still trying to hold on to who I am inside- the real me.
The girl who loves to sleep in late and longs to quit her job and live more simply. The starving artist always looking for meaning, for something deeper, who doesn’t want to get swept up and lose herself along the way. I can do small things like where black nail polish in the summer to work and black eye liner at all hours of the day, but it’s just barely keeping the real me alive.
I don’t want to become some corporate drone. I want to have a youthful spirit always. A few years ago I saw Shirley Manson at the Fuse studios being interviewed with her band. She looked youthful, healthy, happy, stress-free, and carefree. She looked amazing and she was having the time of her life.
She lived her whole life doing only what she wanted, and now she is an authentic, genuine, unique individual. She never has to ‘grow up’ if she doesn’t want to. And everyone loves her for it. She didn’t conform and go to college when all her friends did. She sought the fun in life, the real life that most people are afraid to pursue.
That day I saw Shirley, she didn’t look or act like a typical 38-year-old woman you see in New York. She was lighthearted and unburdened, beautiful and secure. She had no lines on her face, no bags under her eyes, she sat up straight and didn’t slouch. She was charming and true. And I long to become someone like her.
I want to be happy in the knowledge that I made of my life what I truly wanted, and never apologized for it. I can’t see myself as some corporate exec at her age. I want to be doing anything but working in a cubicle being forced to wear some inhuman professional demeanor for people to respect me.
Shirley can do what she wants, say what she wants, wear what she wants and still pull it all off with grace. Nothing anyone thinks will stop her. She won’t get shit from people for doing what she wants. No one holds her back. I want to feel that free someday.
I miss those days when I could just be dreamy and write poetry and listen to music repeatedly. Those days that were empty of worry and responsibility. I hope somehow I can recapture that part of myself that I know is lying dormant while I tend to the tedium of day-to-day life.
“I’m feeling small,
climbing the walls,
I don’t let it show…”
-Shirley Manson (Dumb)