Go With The Flow

(Entry below is an excerpt of an entry that was handwritten on 3/19/2013)

I’m not sure why, but these days I’m compelled to finish each of my journals, using up every last page. This journal has a warped back cover that makes writing on the right-sided pages uncomfortable, but I still can’t just leave the last pages blank. I used to be able to, some of my old journals have a couple of blank pages left in the back, so I don’t know where this sudden compulsion came from.

Right now I’m supposed to be working but there is nothing to do. I have a couple of calls to make that can wait until tomorrow.  It’s strange to think that this is what I used to do, back when I was temping. I would write when I was bored at work. Now I’m doing that again, doing a job that’s way less demanding than previous jobs I’ve been promoted to, making way less money but feeling much better because I have peace of mind now.

I also have a healthier savings account, plus no debt. And I work from home, which my 23-year-old self would never guess I’d be able to do in a million years. I never really thought much about the future. I thought about my needs in the moment. Ten years ago, my motivation for working was to pay off my student loan, and save up enough to move out of my parents house so I could finally date without restrictions.

Now I’m not sure what my motivation is, besides staying alive, staying in independence in my own apartment, having my own life, even if it happens to be a very quiet, solitary one. I think some people thrive in solitude though. To some people, like me, it’s just easier. It’s less pressure and stress. Life can be lived and enjoyed at a slower pace, which is much more tolerable. Some people need constant excitement, stimulation, and drama, but I don’t.

I once heard that J.K. Rowling was fired from a couple of jobs for writing instead of working. I’m not sure if that’s true. But if it is, it was meant to happen that way. She was meant to be out of work and on her own so she could focus on the real, true work that made her happy In the process, she made a huge impact on the world as a whole, and on the publishing industry.

It also gave her a chance to leave a lasting legacy. Because of her books, she will live on forever in the minds of children and other readers. So I guess I should try to trust that things happen as they are meant to, as disturbing as that thought can be.

Acceptance can sometimes be the hardest thing of all- acceptance of the world, acceptance of the self, acceptance of the way that events unfold, acceptance of things/nature/people and all that is out of our control.

Being unable to simply go with the flow is a very difficult thing for people to do. It can cause us so much misery because we feel that things have to turn out “our way,” when really, most of life is out of our hands.

This is why it’s so hard for people to believe they have any power at all. But we can do things to change our circumstances. We can do things to make our lives better incrementally.  It involves making up our minds to do so, creating new habits, establishing new patterns in the brain, and overcoming inertia.

It’s so easy to become consumed with the outside world and ignore the self, but that distraction is detrimental to the self. To feel alive, you have to go within, you have to pause and listen and ask yourself what you really need.

In my case, the questions are always: Do you want to make others happy? Or do you want to do something else and make yourself happy? Would you rather rest and enjoy the quiet, or a book or a movie rather than go someplace loud and annoying to please someone else?

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March 30, 2013. Tags: , , . writing.

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