Cafe Free Write

(Entry below is an excerpt from and entry that was handwritten on 3/10/2013 at a cafe)

I thought I would bring myself out to write today since it’s warmer than it has been in a while. I was going to go to Hoboken, but thinking a cafe in Bayonne would be quieter, I came here. Which is pretty depressing since I used to come here with I— after our dinners at the Italian restaurant down the block. And I already had a depressing enough night last night.

I know most people experience broken hearts, but when it happens to you, it’s totally a different matter entirely. Only you really know how wonderful and personal your relationship was and what it meant to you. Saturday nights are particularly hard because those are the nights we’d see each other.

So last night I couldn’t bear to take a shower, or write, or watch a movie or anything. I could only text him and go to bed early around 10pm, only to wake up around 4:30am to have a protein shake because I hardly had any dinner.

So now it’s today and I’m here alone in this cafe, trying to ignore the background music and chatter of other people sitting towards the front of the cafe. And trying also not to cry into my hazelnut latte. My hair looks great and I have make-up on and look pretty, but no one is here to show it to.

No one is here to admire it. So I decided it was time to ‘drink from the well of myself’ or (your self) as Bukowski so eloquently put it in his poem “mind and heart.”

Charles Bukowski had a pretty regular, ordinary, unspectacular life, but he still created really good poetry and novels, just from filtering life through his own point of view.

And his writing voice is very strong, distinct, and powerful. I guess that’s what every writer and artist strives for: to create something extraordinary from the ordinary, to create something memorable and reveal the truth in the mundane stuff of everyday life.

So now, since he (I—) is not here, I have to go back to talking to myself. I try to become encouraged by watching J.K. Rowling. She finished her first Harry Potter novel while she was a single mother.

She had no man in her life and it didn’t matter. Her love life was secondary to her creation, her story, and really mattered very little because she was focusing on surviving and taking care of a baby.

I don’t have those burdens, and yet so often I go towards distraction rather than my own creative mind. All J.K. Rowling needed was her story. Her writing pretty much sustained her, and provided for a beautiful, full life. And now she is the first billionaire author in existence.

Had she not gone through so much pain, betrayal, and dire straits, she would not have hit rock bottom and been forced to embrace who she truly was and complete the only work that really mattered to her. She met her new husband while on a three-year break from writing her books.

No interviews I’ve seen reveal how she met him. But having love wasn’t the focus of her life. It happened after she had begun her life’s true work. She didn’t need for it to happen but it still did. So all the pain she had gone through before with her previous husband wasn’t for nothing.

It led her to a place where she could have the focus, the space, the solitude she needed to complete her novel. The interesting part of her story though is the amount of unparalleled success she achieved through her own words and imagination.

She created a story and told it in such a way that it appealed to both children and adults. And the demand from both for her next books was crazy and intense. It’s like how one man said in an interview I saw, that she must have been channeling something because he, a grown man, was unable to put the first two Harry Potter books down.

So I guess I need to learn to stop relying on love to make me happy. I have my own mind to draw inspiration from, and maybe I, myself, can keep the flame of my happiness lit. To think that before I met him, I had gotten myself to a state of mind where I was convinced that I didn’t need love anymore.

And I didn’t want to seek it out at all. I didn’t enjoy the feeling of weakness and longing it always gave me. It made me feel like I couldn’t function as a whole human being- which is a completely crazy thought in itself.

It’s just that now, after six years of being in love and happy and coupled up, it’s really hard to go back to being single and alone. And trying to find some way to be OK with that again.


April 3, 2013. Tags: , , . writing.

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