The Masks We Wear
(Entry below was written on September 14, 2005)
This is a pensive time for me. I was in a great mood the past few days and I noticed how different that makes the work day feel and how it changes the way people around me react to me. It’s weird to feel like you’ve grown a lot in just one day, but I feel like I have, like I have matured by leaps and bounds in just one 24 hour period. I feel more relaxed and patient, calm and hopeful and I hope it will last.
I still have brief frustrating moments of longing, but they are not taking over my heart and mind like before. I can still function and move through them. It’s a much lighter feeling, like things will turn out fine no matter what. After feeling constantly stressed out and unappreciated, this is a major turn around. I feel like I have really changed somehow in the past few days.
I can’t stand the fact that people need to wear a mask in order to function with other people. I often wonder about people’s true natures and what they find enjoyable and what obsesses them. I wonder how they chose and formed their social persona.
I know I’m a very different person outside of work than I am at work. I know I’m the type of person who would be in heaven if it was my job to write all day long. Writing is the one thing I’ve done consistently and gotten immense pleasure out of all my life, since I was about 9 or 10 years old.
My boss once told me that if given the choice, he would not be where he is as director of our department. He loves wine and would love to have a vineyard and be some kind of wine aficionado. I find it really sad that people can’t live their dreams. And why not? To impress someone else? To keep up with others’ successes and expectations? That’s pretty sick and depressing when you think about it.
I forgot where I read this quote but it really rings true- “Hell is living someone else’s life.” No one ever grows up thinking, hmm I’d really love to work in health insurance someday…wearing the same kind of boring clothes and coming in and leaving at the same time as everyone else around me…day after day, year after year.
The spirit just suffocates. There are certain things nagging at me that I know I have to try someday, just because the desire is inside me and I have to take the chance. Otherwise who’s life am I living? Things like that can’t be ignored or pushed aside because they will keep coming back to haunt me again and again.
I wonder what drives other people. A desire to impress their friends and family? Obligations at home that must be taken care of? Or their own dreams and desires? I remember one day maybe last year when someone in my department left the company to pursue her dream of fashion design. I was so happy that day for her.
It’s funny how many of us know we want something specific, but hesitate to go after it. And when you really examine the reasons, they don’t hold up. It’s like those dreams keep us going, and we hope someday to have enough courage to try for them.
Sometimes I think the way I wish to live is really radical and extreme, but I still hope to one day live fully true to who I am, and have a life that expresses and reflects me completely. I am still holding back for whatever reasons, but I know that has to change..
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