Black Flowers Blossom
(Entry below was written on November 13, 2005)
I don’t understand why I can never find someone who hugs me for as long as I hug them. I know it may sound strange but ut I am crazy about hugging, and I never get enough from the people in my life. This irritates me.
It’s always the same. The hug starts, I hold on for dear life, and the other person tries to break the hug almost immediately. I need way more body tightly-closed-with-mine time. They lower their arms, and then pull them back up around me instinctively when they realize I haven’t let go.
It’s really annoying and kind of leaves me with this cold, abandoned feeling. I need an obscene amount of affection all the time. When I finally meet a man who doesn’t let go or try to break a hug before I do, I just may marry him on the spot..
Anyway, here is an excerpt of a really great passage from that book I’m reading Blue Like Jazz. I’m grappling with exactly the same anxiety right now so it was nice seeing it put into words so well:
“I think I was feeling bitter about the human experience. I never asked to be human. Nobody came to the womb and explained the situation to me, asking for my permission to go into the world and live and breathe and eat and feel joy and pain. I started thinking about how odd it is to be human, how we are stuck inside this skin, forced to be attracted to the opposite sex, forced to eat food and use the rest room and then stuck to the earth by gravity.”
“I think maybe I was going crazy or something. I spent an entire week feeling bitter because I couldn’t breathe underwater. I told God I wanted to be a fish. I also felt bitter about sleep. why do we have to sleep? I wanted to be able to stay awake for as long as I wanted, but God had put me in this body that had to sleep. Life no longer seemed like and experience of freedom.”
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