An Expectant State of Discovery

(Entry below is an excerpt from an entry that was hand written on 8/19/12)

I want my life to be about more than just surviving and having a day job that I tolerate. I meditate in order to slow down and take in the wonder of daily life. I wish I could be more disciplined about some things, but I also have to remember that I am only human and will fall short of perfection. There are many things about myself that I need to work on, but also many things that I should just relax about, and go with the flow.

I wish I could be like Natalie Goldberg, writing from 9am to 2:30pm in cafes in Taos, New Mexico, alone or with a writing friend to keep me company. Maybe then I’d reconnect with myself and the unique way in which I observe and process the reality all around me. Maybe then I’d wake up from this nightmare of trying to be someone other than who I am. Maybe that is not stagnation, maybe that is just remaining true to myself.

Natalie Goldberg says that writing has enormous energy, and I believe that it does. That’s why I believe that written prayers are more powerful than spoken ones. They bring thoughts into focus. That’s also why I believe my grandfather hears and understands me when I write him letters, even though he’s passed away.

And it’s also why I believe that writing validates my existence and makes me feel that I am not insignificant or useless as I so often fear. I am here and alive for a reason, even if I may not have found it yet. Maybe it is to write a book (or several books) that touches someone. Maybe it is to volunteer my time or money for a good cause. Maybe it is to write poetry, to live somewhere else (like Taos) and live out my days slowly.

Maybe it is to form a daily meditation practice in which to find meaning. Maybe it is to enlighten others with my words, and help them consider a more meaningful life by the example in which I live mine. I don’t ever want to grow stale. I want to continue to be curious about life and everything in it, and to live my life always in an expectant state of discovery.


April 21, 2013. Tags: , , . writing.

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