The Blank Page (Part 2)

(Entry below was hand written on 7/26/2012)

I remember the first time I listened to the first Garbage album when I was 16. Suddenly, it all became clear. Someone was articulating my loneliness and pain and frustration so beautifully, it was like a blessing. It touched somewhere deep inside of me and I loved it.

It was my first introduction to rebellion, and connecting to something and someone I thought was cool. I remember staring at Shirley Manson on the back of the CD cover, at the ‘I don’t give a fuck’ expression on her face and realizing something important. I realized that it’s OK to be angry, to be depressed, to feel misunderstood and misinterpreted and like a freak. It was OK to really enjoy heavier music, music with passion, emotion and anger that mirrored my own.

It was OK to step out as an individual and like something that was unexpected, something that no one introduced me to but me. To like something my parents and sister didn’t understand, to be my own person, be the person I always knew I was in my heart. The person who was underneath all the layers and masks I wore to try to be accepted.

I was done with all that, I had found myself in this music and the image of this band. This felt real and true to me, and it was just something I couldn’t deny. I immersed myself in it, merged myself with it and it gave me so much unspeakable joy and nourishment that it was kind of ridiculous.

In a way, I felt that it gave my life meaning. And I am so grateful that Garbage is still around today, and putting out new music and touring, so I can witness and listen to their music and get lost in that magic again and again. It sustains me and elevates me in a way that little else does. It is immensely beautiful and fulfilling, and I would be lost without it for sure.

Life is good tonight. I got the writing done that I wanted to do. It’s nice and cool in my air-conditioned room. It’s nice and quiet in my top floor apartment that I don’t have to share with anyone. I’m deep conditioning my hair tonight while I sleep (I have a treatment in my hair right now). Tomorrow is Friday and payday, and I have a lovely, big, new journal to fill up. So this is the first entry of many more to come.

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April 23, 2013. Tags: , , , . writing.

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