The Argument for Solitude
(Entry below was handwritten on 10/12/2012)
I know I should be writing a lot more than I have been. But it can be hard. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I don’t have enough to say, or I have too much to say and I would need to set aside a whole day just for writing all my thoughts out. The thing is, I need to write. I don’t know how to not do it. And for some reason, reading about journal writing is insanely fun to me. I could do it all day long.
Right now I have a headache, but I’m writing anyway because I’m tired of having the urge to write but not enough energy to actually do it. I tend to give other things way more importance, and then I end up feeling too drained. If I feel heavy, then I feel like I should be exercising.
If I have laundry sitting there, or garbage to throw out, or grocery shopping to do, I feel I should be productive and do those things instead, but I fail to realize that writing is productive too. Or sometimes it’s easier just to read what other people have written- though that’s not so easy to do when I have a headache.
I talked to my doctor (therapist) this week and he said that staying alone forever may not lead to a fulfilling life. I had mentioned that I feared those were the cards dealt to me. When he responded that way, I asked him why not? His response made absolutely no sense to me at all. Maybe I wouldn’t feel lonely, but calm and fulfilled. Maybe marriage isn’t for everybody and is something that most people are pushed into because it’s expected and conventional. Maybe some people are just not meant for it. I told him that if I was alone, a lot of my stress about who I should be would be gone.
I wouldn’t have a husband who I would have to please or worry about him leaving me or cheating. I would be free, and I would have peace of mind. I feel calm and secure when I’m alone. I think it’s just my natural state of being and how I feel most comfortable. Maybe that’s strange, but it’s who I am. And life is all about loving and accepting yourself completely, right?
There’s a certain peace of mind in not being in a relationship. You don’t have to work hard to look good for anyone other than yourself. You can do whatever you feel like doing, regardless of whether anyone else wants to do it or not. It’s a nice way to experience freedom. No pressure, no guidelines, no worries, no rules.
Life is inherently stressful, and I don’t see anything wrong with trying to reduce that stress as much as I possibly can. I hate being told what to do. I hate feeling like I can’t be who I am. It’s like that Chinese proverb that’s so full of wisdom:
“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”
There’s a reason I put that proverb on the first page of this journal.
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