Perspective after Boston

(Entry below was handwritten on 4/15/2013)

Today there were two bombings at the Boston Marathon. There were many injuries and some deaths. A small child was killed who was only 8 years old. The explosions happened in the afternoon while I was working and I didn’t realize they were serious enough to cause injuries and deaths. It puts some things in perspective for me.

I’m grateful to be alive even though I don’t have what I want most in life. At least I can walk and talk, eat and sleep, and breathe. I can enjoy simply living: breathing in fresh air when I choose to, eating something or drinking something delicious. I can relax and listen to music, enjoy a glass of wine or a bubble bath. I can call my mother on the phone and hear her voice. I can write in my many journals with my many pens and express my thoughts and feelings.

I am alone, but maybe that’s OK. Maybe I need to be. I haven’t heard from I— since last Sunday night. It’s very strange not to talk to him for so many days, but I figured I’d wait for him to reach out to me first. I know my relationship with him wasn’t perfect, but it was very special to me. Everyone tells me I’ll meet someone who is everything I ever wanted and more, but I don’t see how they can be so sure about that.

I’m pretty sure I need to develop some sort of self-confidence, and a social life, in order to attract a guy. And even then, there are so many other things that could go wrong. It’s really hard to hope that things will somehow all work out. I don’t want to spend my life hoping and waiting for Prince Charming to appear, because if he never does, then I’ve wasted my life in expectation of nothing.

I may as well give myself some peace of mind and resign myself to the fact that I will live out my life in solitude and do everything by myself. There are certainly worse things in the world. What hurts most of all though is not hearing from I— at all during all these days and nights. No text, no call, no email to at least say hello or see how I’m doing. And he claims to need me. I think he has definitely proven that he does not.

I have to go to Manhattan tomorrow for a doctor’s appointment. If there is a terrorist attack tomorrow where I will be, and I return home alive, then I know it’s because God wants me to be here. And I can live on to watch my niece and nephew grow up. I can live to listen to the new album that Garbage plans to record this year and release in 2014, and I can live on to read the new Dan Brown novel (which I think comes out soon). And I can, of course, continue to write in my journals.

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April 29, 2013. Tags: , . writing.

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