Writing in Circles
(Entry below was written on 11/1/2010)
This was a lazy weekend of lots of sleeping. I could have been doing so many things: practicing making jewelry, writing, meditating, but instead I chose to do laundry, go to the grocery store, vacuum, watch a DVD, and sleep. I guess it’s natural.
Most people in the middle of the afternoon long for a nap, and if you’re at home then you are free to nap whenever. But I tend to feel guilty when I do that. I wanted to go to the library and to church on Saturday, but I didn’t. I just couldn’t make myself get up and go out when I didn’t have to be out.
I wanted to write too, but there was this sudden weird feeling of fear that has never come up before. I was faced with more than enough time and a perfect chance to write in my journal. But I was afraid that I had lost my writing voice, and my writing self.
I thought the writing I used to do (which I liked and enjoyed reading) would not come out of me. I was somewhat paralyzed with fear and decided against it all together. It was probably a time when I needed to write most, to clear my mind out of overwhelming thinking, but I chose to read instead. I guess I didn’t think I could capture my mood sufficiently, and would end up writing around whatever topic I actually meant to write about.
There’s an exercise in a book I once read which instructs you to stop half way through a journal entry and write ‘what I really want to say is..’ and then continue writing. It’s supposed to break through the mental block that keeps you writing in circles about nothing. Sometimes the hardest part about writing is getting started.
Sometimes I get scared I’ll never stop, or that I’ll stop too soon and find that I have nothing to say – which is even scarier. I even reread Writing down the bones by Natalie Goldberg recently and not even that got me writing! There is a major block happening there, and I realize that I have to force myself to make writing a priority in my life.
Writing is much easier to do with noisy surroundings than meditation is. And writing can be a form of meditation in the way that it clears out your mental clutter. I’m going to make another attempt tonight. Even if I’m writing at 1 or 2am, I am going to do it.
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