Control is an Illusion

(Entry below is an excerpt of a handwritten entry done on 6/22/2013 at the Church of Sweden)

I came today to the Church of Sweden at 5 East 48th Street. It’s a beautiful day and I have no where else to be and no one to see, so I came here and bought a cinnabon and a bottle of water. The main floor has a small library with several couches and tables and the environment is quiet and peaceful. When I saw this place on television this morning, it looked like a good, peaceful place to write. So I thought I’d go, for a new, quiet place for writing and observing people.

The lady at the cafe asked if I saw the Church on television today. She said the show has run for several months and every time she sees Americans here, she knows the show has aired again. We had a laugh over it. I briefly glimpsed the Church upstairs because I was informed that a wedding would be taking place at 3pm. Right now it’s 2:46pm and the few people who were gathered here in the library have moved upstairs to the chapel where someone is playing a keyboard softly.

I hope one day I can fully realize that “life is big” (as Shirley Manson put it in a recent interview) and I won’t be afraid to go out and explore it more. I wish I could see Sweden one day, and travel across Europe and every other place I haven’t seen, whether I’m single or not, and whether I’m rich or not. The lady working here said most people like this Church because it is a quiet place in the middle of the city. I told her I also came here for that reason.

I saw lots of couples today and ironically, there is a wedding going on at the floor above me right in this building. But I can’t let that kind of stuff get to me. Maybe my time will come and if it never does, I can still explore the world on my own and at my own pace. I have to learn to let go of this constant need to be in control of all my life’s circumstances and happenings and relationships, because control is an illusion anyway.

I’m glad I came out today to remind myself that there is a great big world beyond the walls of my apartment. Life is not a movie. Interesting things and people don’t just fall into one’s lap without any prompting. Those things must be sought out.

There is a pillow here on a bench with this saying embroidered on it: “The world is a book and he who stays home reads only one page.” Isn’t that the truth? Talk about a message that was placed right in my line of vision where I needed to see it. I sat down to eat my cinnabon and the pillow lay right on the bench across from me.

I know I need to stop waiting for love, just be grateful that I had it and go on living as usual. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to leave my home, why it’s so hard to have conversation. People are all basically the same and understand that about each other. Everyone has the same needs for fun, stimulation, human contact, expression, food, rest, exercise, sunshine and happiness. Yet we believe we are a world unto ourselves, we believe we are islands, lost and adrift out there in the no where.

I know I need to see and think of strangers as potential friends, instead of fearing them. Maybe I’m just wasting my time waiting for something that will never be, even though it was once so wonderful and fulfilling. Maybe one day, all that has happened to me this past year and this past life will all finally make sense. And I can learn to actually let go of control and move on.



June 23, 2013. Tags: , , . writing.

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