I hate time. I hate the passage of time. Time is no big deal when you’re very young. You feel you can waste it because you have plenty of it. But now I’m 34 years old, I know I don’t enjoy the work I do and do it mostly because I have been with my company for 10 years and therefore have lots of time off accrued. And it’s a way to avoid living at home with my parents, having no privacy and no real freedom and getting in their way.
But still, I have to do work everyday that I don’t enjoy and I don’t know how to pursue things that I would enjoy as a career. Doing something you don’t want to be doing (in my case, talking on the phone) is very draining and it leaves me with an unsatisfied feeling at the end of the day, like I didn’t use the day the way that I should have, the way that would have made me happier. I spend most of the day talking to people about their medical issues, which becomes very depressing after a while. But it’s a work at home job, and that’s a plus.
Time scares me. Knowing that time is ticking away no matter what we do. I see so many changes happening in my family and it’s unsettling. I guess I haven’t quite learned how to let go and go with the flow of things, and not be upset by the fact the life is out of my control.
I will grow old someday (if I live that long) and I will see my niece and nephew grow up and form lives of their own. I will see my parents grow older and eventually pass away and I’m not really sure I can fully comprehend all of that yet.
I tend to live as if no time has passed. I try to give myself as little responsiblity as possible, thus trying to recreate the childhood experience even though I know that is futile and silly. And it’s affecting those around me and affecting myself because I’m resisting the growth and change process. But I have to move along with it and trust it and just move into a new phase of life. I have to take control and dominate my fears of growing up.
I’m not good with lots of responsibility. Maybe it comes from being the younger sibling, I’m not sure. But I’ve never had a pet on my own or owned a car. I tend to not want to make a big impression or carry real weight on this earth for some reason. It’s the same reason why I’ve shied away from internships and jobs at big companies or jobs with high visibility and level of responsibility. It feels like it would be intimidating, too much of a burden, and very stressful. My fear of failure is very strong as well.
But maybe all this playing small has been hurting me. Nowadays I’m not sure what I should do. Should I buy a car so that I’m not so isolated? So that I can go visit family and see them more often and be more a part of their lives? Should I move to another state and make another attempt at finding my own life without the judgement of others?
Time is passing and I feel paralyzed in indecision. I want my life to go back to how it used to be but I know that’s not possible. Things have changed in my relationship and I know I need to develop myself and stop hiding. It’s so difficult though, when the majority of my life has been spent deep inside my shell.
All I’ve ever wanted was the love and acceptance of others, of everyone. But that’s an impossible goal. You can never please everyone else and find a way to please yourself at the same time. No matter what you do, someone will find fault and criticize you, so you might as well do what you want.
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