Failure Prompt

Prompt: Have you ever felt as if you were a failure or somehow ‘failed’ someone you care about?

My Response:

My answer would be yes. In a lot of ways I feel like a failure in my life. I was in a position with a boss from hell, earning a good salary but stressed and anxious by the day-to-day reality of the work and couldn’t handle it. In order to stay employed, I transferred departments and took a much lower paying job so that I could afford to still live on my own.

My pay now is close to $10,000 less a year than what I was making before. And at my age I feel that I should have succeeded in a more illustrious position, given that I completed college.

I guess I should have completed a master’s degree as well, but my priorities were not in the right place when I was in college.  In my previous job, the stress was overwhelming, so I am grateful that I was able to remain in the same company with some income coming in, even though I had to take a big cut.

I feel that I failed my parents in a big way. Yes, I live on my own and support myself but I know that they expected me to become so much more and accomplish so much more. My parents came here from Colombia and struggled to raise my sister and I and were always short of money. But we always had everything we needed.

They wanted us to have better lives and become successful after college. And compared to my sister’s career, I feel like a failure. She got her bachelor’s in education, plus a master’s on top of that which she paid for herself.

And I’m struggling every day to do a job that I don’t enjoy at all and doesn’t interest me in the least. It’s hard to be in a job you don’t like because you don’t know what else you can do well. I know I can do more than what I am doing, but it’s scary to put yourself out there to judgement and the possible stress of a higher paying position.

Hopefully if I keep searching, I can eventually find a career field that isn’t too expensive to study, and that gives me peace of mind and a bit more fulfillment, because corporate office jobs are just not doing it anymore.

Thankfully, working from home eliminates the idea of that ‘rat race’ mentality, but I still work for a boss in an office type of setting doing work that I do solely for the pay I get, not because it’s anything I truly chose out of my heart’s desire. And that becomes draining after a while.

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November 6, 2013. Tags: , . writing.

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