Shoulda Coulda Woulda

Prompt: Tell us about something you know you should do . . . but don’t.

My Response:

I know that I should try to make new friends, meet new people. And sometimes I get a weird urge to, but I don’t do it. I know that I will eventually, maybe when the weather becomes less extreme because I don’t tolerate the cold well. But right now, being on my own is fine for me.

I’m not the kind of person who needs to have other people around. I’ve always been this way. I remember once reading about how Shirley Manson finished her latest tour and went out to a grocery store and freaked out because she was by herself. She realized that for 15 years, she has had someone around.

And it was funny to me how I am the opposite. When I have people around, that takes an adjustment on my part. It drains me mentally at times. And I feel that I need to be on my own again to recuperate for a while. I do like having company, just not all the time.

There is the danger of getting lost in one’s own head, which I tend to do, so I do see the value in pursuing friendships and hearing other people’s thoughts and opinions. Constantly focusing on oneself makes you a bit crazy and unstable and unreasonable. It’s healthy to realize that it’s not all about you.

I think I realize this more as I get older. There is a great big world out there and I’m not the center of it. I’m the center of the world inside my head, but other people are going on about their lives, oblivious to me and what I think or feel every day. Their own lives are what’s most important to them usually, just like me.

Social situations make me nervous, especially when no one is drinking and everyone is kind of tense if they don’t know each other well. I find this kind of thing a nightmare. I constantly wonder if I’m saying the right thing, if the other person gets me, if they find me strange.

I tend to recall stupid things like when I threw a baby shower for a coworker (because others pushed me to) and while everyone was gathered, I attempted to speak now and then and be friendly.

Whenever I would say anything totally normal, two of my female coworkers would look at each other and laugh. And I was just left thinking, what the fuck did I say that was so funny?

These kinds of memories get in the way and anger me when I feel the most vulnerable. I don’t like to be judged or laughed at for no reason. Social anxiety is a very real thing for some people.

My mother tells me that having friends is easy. Maybe it is for her, and the majority of the population. But not for me, for some reason that I have yet to understand.

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January 23, 2014. Tags: , . Uncategorized.

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